Harlequin13's Journals

Why him?

Why is it always him?

And why is it always her?

And why am I never lucky?

Why am I stuck being worthless?

Fuck this.

I hate this shit and I just want it to fucking stop.

I mean, I never asked for any of this.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

and I'm so fucking sorry.

I fucked everything up.

And you'll never love me.

And I fucking know that.

And now it just hurts like hell every time I see you.

And I'm trying not to care.

But it just doesn't work that way.

So fuck all this.

I don't even care anymore.

I've dealt with what she's feeling every single goddamn day since september.

It's not new to me.

And I'm sick and tired of crying myself to sleep every night over some bastard who'll never give a shit.

He can go chase those girls who'll never love him like I do.

And he'll get his heart broken and then I'll be there to console him but he won't fucking pay attention to the way I look at him.

But who cares?

All three of the people in this know who they are.

So if you have to ask, it's not you.

Life is not like the movies.

The ugly girl with the great personality never gets the guy.

The pretty girl always wins.

No matter how much you love them, theyâ�™ll never love you back.

When you tell them how much you care about them, music doesnâ�™t start to play.

They donâ�™t tell you that they love you too.

Thereâ�™s no climatic kiss.

They just stare and youâ�™re left wishing youâ�™d kept it inside your throat.

When you cry all alone at night, Moonlight Sonata does not play over your sobs.

The moon doesnâ�™t cast an eerie glow over the room.

Itâ�™s just black.

The only way you can actually tell youâ�™re crying is that you can feel the warmth of the tears rolling down your cheeks.

No one ever asks if you need help.

If youâ�™re okay.

They never ask whatâ�™s wrong.

They just complain about their problems.

And you let them wipe their tears on your shirt.

You never tell them.

You never tell that one person that matters most.

And when they pick someone else,

You canâ�™t blame them.

You didnâ�™t tell them.

They canâ�™t read minds.

And now itâ�™s too late.

And all the promises you made yourself blow away with the wind.

And you watch them kiss the other person; you hear them say â�œI love you.â�

All you want to do is cry.

But you canâ�™t.

You canâ�™t because then theyâ�™ll know how you feel.

And theyâ�™re happy and if they see you it might upset them.

And thatâ�™s the last thing you want now.

So when they kiss, you turn away.

When they say â�œI love youâ� you plug your ears.

And you try with all your might to stuff your feelings away down inside you.

But you canâ�™t.

So you stop seeing them.

You donâ�™t call.

You completely isolate yourself from them.

But you still cry yourself to sleep.

Because you donâ�™t see them anymore.

And you miss them.

So you call them up.

Ask to see them again.

And they agree.

And you ask how the person theyâ�™ve been seeing is.

And they tell you that the person broke their heart.

But thereâ�™s no victory in this.

Because their eyes are starting to fill with tears.

And now theyâ�™re crying.

So you wrap your arms around them and hug them.

And you kiss their forehead.

And you want nothing more than for them to stop.

To smile.

To light up your day.

But they canâ�™t stop.

Theyâ�™re brokenhearted.

And they canâ�™t stop crying.

And youâ�™re holding them and crying too.

And itâ�™s all perfectly silent.

And no one knows about this tragic rendezvous.

Because you tell no one.

And they tell no one.

It just hurts too much.

And you scold them perhaps too harshly when they do stupid things.

Because you care about them.

And you donâ�™t want to lose them.

And in every way, you two are perfect for each other.

Except for one problem.

Theyâ�™ll always pick the person whoâ�™s not right for them.

Because after all,

Life is not like the movies

Why do I have no messages, notes, comments, etc.?

Would I get more if i posted pictures of Fall Out Boy and other such bands instead of my acutal photography?

Wh4t if ii t4lkd lyke dis? Wud d4t m4k u gaiis cmmmt?

Should I tell you i'm someone I'm not, tell you bands I think are shit are amazing?

Should I be what you all want me to be?

No.

I won't whore myself out for popularity.

I'll leave that to the mainstream sluts.

I don't give a shit if I don't have people lying and telling me I'm gorgeous just because I told them I'm Pete Wentz's cousin's banker's poodle's hairdresser's best friend.

I have my friends. My real friends...

...and I don't need all you phonies.

Stay gold;

Molly

Rant.

I donâ�™t think anyone knows what bugs me. Not even Max, who I could never imagine keeping any secrets (except one rather large one) from, doesnâ�™t know. Itâ�™s not like I lie to him, I just donâ�™t talk about it. If Iâ�™m not myself and he asks whatâ�™s wrong I just say thereâ�™s something on my mind. Which is totally true, because one of two things is constantly in my thoughts. So I have nothing to feel guilty about. We could live like that and if we did Iâ�™d scream from your rooftop and punch out all my own windows. The kids have all turned in to head cases and I canâ�™t resist them anymore. If I caught your words and put them in my mouth, would you laugh or scream? If I could only do this, I would be okay with my life. Iâ�™d still have problems but Iâ�™d be okay. But I canâ�™t do it. And he doesnâ�™t even know how much heâ�™s on my mind. I wish that every time we smiled, my message would be communicated but I know itâ�™s not that easy. Some people just canâ�™t look in your eyes and see that you love them. The songs and the bruises, tell tale. Hold my hand and keep it warm. And whenever he whispers my name, I never want the sound to end because itâ�™s sweeter than my favorite song. Heâ�™s got ocean eyes and Iâ�™ve got puddles. I donâ�™t want to feel this way. I want nothing more than to have her want to be around me again, to reverse what had happened. But no amount of time travel could keep me from falling for him and her inevitably hating me for it. I canâ�™t control it, itâ�™s not my fault. Heâ�™s amazing and she of all people should know that. I canâ�™t keep kidding myself, this is one big fault line from an earthquake thatâ�™s off the Richter scale and nobody can feel the shaking but me. No one else knows. I suppose I hide the hate well, but I donâ�™t try to. I just prefer not to talk about it. I would cry about this in front of everyone and scream about hate and love and regret and things we canâ�™t solve and let everyone know how much I feel like Iâ�™m drowning. But no one would listen and no one would care. Except him. And heâ�™s trying to pull me out of the water. But I canâ�™t because itâ�™s his eyes Iâ�™m drowning in and his hand just keeps me from slipping further under. No one has any idea what keeps me up at night. So donâ�™t even try to understand this.

everything is colored black and blue

Punch through the walls until your knuckles bleed.

hit concrete, hear it scream.

claw marks on bolted doors

from bitten nails and hidden wars

cry black

bleed rain

cut the slack

not the vein

killer cures and kissed goodbye

shoot me and you, watch us die.

pop open all the cheap champagne

and drink to fear, love, loss, distain

and hope.

screw hope.

screw home.

nothing's home.

nothing's you.