harlequin13

I don’t think anyone knows what bugs me.  Not even Max, who I could never imagine keeping any secrets (except one rather large one) from, doesn’t know.  It’s not like I lie to him, I just don’t talk about it.  If I’m not myself and he asks what’s wrong I just say there’s something on my mind.  Which is totally true, because one of two things is constantly in my thoughts.  So I have nothing to feel guilty about.   We could live like that and if we did I’d scream from your rooftop and punch out all my own windows.  The kids have all turned in to head cases and I can’t resist them anymore.  If I caught your words and put them in my mouth, would you laugh or scream?  If I could only do this, I would be okay with my life.  I’d still have problems but I’d be okay. But I can’t do it.  And he doesn’t even know how much he’s on my mind.  I wish that every time we smiled, my message would be communicated but I know it’s not that easy.  Some people just can’t look in your eyes and see that you love them.  The songs and the bruises, tell tale.  Hold my hand and keep it warm.  And whenever he whispers my name, I never want the sound to end because it’s sweeter than my favorite song.  He’s got ocean eyes and I’ve got puddles.  I don’t want to feel this way.  I want nothing more than to have her want to be around me again, to reverse what had happened.  But no amount of time travel could keep me from falling for him and her inevitably hating me for it.  I can’t control it, it’s not my fault.  He’s amazing and she of all people should know that.  I can’t keep kidding myself, this is one big fault line from an earthquake that’s off the Richter scale and nobody can feel the shaking but me.  No one else knows.  I suppose I hide the hate well, but I don’t try to.  I just prefer not to talk about it.  I would cry about this in front of everyone and scream about hate and love and regret and things we can’t solve and let everyone know how much I feel like I’m drowning.  But no one would listen and no one would care. Except him.  And he’s trying to pull me out of the water.  But I can’t because it’s his eyes I’m drowning in and his hand just keeps me from slipping further under.  No one has any idea what keeps me up at night.  So don’t even try to understand this.